Saturday, May 2, 2009

Said Tamcarit – Morocco

Translated by Curtis E. Hinkle


I am a hermaphrodite and am known here in my Moroccan village as the “half-man”.  When people see me, they wonder if I am a man or a woman.  I am a question mark.


When I was born, I had a micropenis and my father never accepted me.  Most Moroccans want their first child to be a boy so that the family name will be carried on.  But I was not what my father wanted and he was very violent with me.  My mother, however, never treated me like a “half-man”.  Still there have been many arguments in our home because of me.


My childhood was very difficult.  I was always alone: I didn’t play with the boys or the girls.  I looked at them from a distance.  Neither group accepted me.  With my brothers and sisters (who were born after me), things did not go well either.  They never accepted me.  So, I had no one to talk to.  I was alone in my own world.


I was exceptionally gifted in school and received my diploma.  Then, I had to go to the college which was a boarding school 30 kilometers from our home.  But I had a very hard year and I could not continue.  I quit in 1985.  In the dormitory there were 54 boys.  I did not feel comfortable with them.  I could not sleep at night.  I couldn’t take a shower because I was afraid of taking my clothes off in front of them.  I didn’t dare use the toilets there either because I have to sit down and the stalls didn’t have doors.  They made fun of me and the boys would fondle my breasts out of curiosity.  They asked me all kinds of questions that I don’t like to answer.  All kinds of “why’s” and “what’s that?”.


I have trouble getting to know and like people because of their glances and questions.  I don’t like to travel.  I don’t like crowds.  I didn’t even attend my sisters’ marriage ceremonies.  I have never moved from our family home.  I live with my mother, and my sisters and brothers.  My father is dead and I was the only one to take care of him when he came down with a serious illness.  When he was near death, he asked me to forgive him and I cried because all my life, he had never been nice to me.  My brothers and sisters still won’t accept me.  One day, one of my nephews asked me to stop coming to get him at school because the other children were making fun of him.  They were saying that he had an “uncle with big breasts and who looked like a woman”.


Recently, I wanted to undergo medical treatment to become a “real man”, with a beard and to remove my breasts.  I had never seen a doctor about this and no one had ever given me any treatments or medications.  A year ago, I went to see a gynecologist.  For the first time, someone looked at my genitalia but he did not seem to care about my situation.  I wanted to know if I was a man or a woman but the doctor told me I would have to have a lot of tests, an ultrasound and then go to an endocrinologist.  However, that was far too expensive.  No one could help me.


I tell myself that God created me and that I should be proud to be who I am, proud to be a man in a woman’s body and I have given up the whole idea of undergoing any type of medical treatment to change my appearance.  I have to live in the present and forget the past and my future is in God’s hands.  It is He who will guide me and lead me down the right path.  That’s for sure.  Everything has an end and we do too.  We all have an end and I have suffered all my life and I know that the suffering will come to an end.  I know that God will reward me in paradise.


Islam proves the existence of hermaphrodites.  However, in France, you can only have males and females – no third sex.  A hermaphrodite from France told me that in your country, they change hermaphrodites at birth so that they will be either male or female, whereas here in Morocco, there are many intersex people like me who have never undergone any surgeries or hormone treatments.  Here we are easily spotted.  It’s not like in France where they are changed: the effects of testosterone cause drastic changes!


But being a hermaphrodite is still very hard and it is hard for those close to you, your family and friends.  We are not accepted and we even do not accept ourselves.  I have been looking for friends for six years here and still it is impossible.  I have never been able to find a man or woman to love.  I am afraid of their reactions, especially the people here where I live.  However, I do know that I need to love someone and have someone to share my life with; the sex of the person doesn’t matter.

Said is an artist.  You can view his work on OII's website: Click here

This is a service of the Organisation Intersex International


  1. salut said , c est benoit de
    dieu seul sait que je suis fiere d avoir un ami comme toi
    merci pour ton courage
    et bonne continuation

  2. Hi Said it's Tarik, your best friend ;)
    Listen!!! Never mind about what people say or think, just keep doing well as everyday, and i'll be there to support you whenever you want my friend... Take care and have fun... My best wishes...

  3. I think that allah will not collect suffer on a person in both the present life and the end life.
    you must hold on your islam and beleive that Paradise will be the real life if we win of entering it.

  4. salut said,
    si tu acceptes une amie femme, contact moi sur :, je serai contente de faire ta connaissance.

  5. Bonjour Saïd,

    Comment vas-tu? Tiens-tu le coup, arrives-tu à rebondir après ce sale coup fait par cette toubib?

    Je sais que mes mots ne t'apaiseront pas beaucoup mais saches que je pense beaucoup à toi en ce moment.

    Je pense que la médecine européenne est en train d'envahir l'Afrique du nord et que les horribles méthodes françaises se développent notamment au Maroc, c'est terrible de nier notre personnalité, de vouloir nous imposer ce que nous ne sommes pas. Ta demande de testostérone est légitime, même si je pense que ton corps ne vivrait pas très bien le traitement. Malheureusement une fois de plus, je suis dans l'incapacité de t'aider pour avoir de la testo, sinon je le ferait avec plaisir.

    Continue s'il te plais à être celui que tu es, ton témoignage est primordial pour nous tous et de t'avoir connu m'a beaucoup aidé.


  6. MashAllah , you are so brave to carry on .Even with such suffering .
    You have certainly a great life waiting ahead of you in paradise.
    InshAllah Allah knows best . you are his creation and so what if you attain the both human sexual organs , You know God is neither man and woman , because he is affectionate like a mother and dominant like a father .
    therefore there is a union between man and woman in Allah and thus , you are surely such a blessed human..
    Hope you never lose hope.
    and remember , if you have no friend
    Allah is your real friend.

    I am 17 years old , and i read your story for my anthropology class in college.
    And Wallah , you are so brave , i am so embarrassed of my self of how easily i lose hope and you with such suffering still carry on.
    MashAllah , you are one of my role models from today.

  7. I read your article with tears in my eyes. Mainly because I have very similar experience as yours. The only differences are (1) I am the opposite - a female soul trapped in a male / a 25%-male (to be exact) body (2) I am not daring enough to face myself / be true to myself. I can only pretend. I got marry with a woman and force myself to live like a man in the way everybody around me expects, although I feel like being a "gay woman" when having sex her, and that's the feeling I cannot comprehend. We didn't have sex for at least 2 years now. I have beautiful teen girl breasts, almost-female voice (often being mis-taken on the phone), fair smooth skin, and I dun have Adam's Apple. I never took any drugs, I am naturally born that way. Most of all, it is the struggle and pain inside my heart. I often wake up in the middle of the night with tears on my pillow. I have every right to be a real girl, to be in a man's arms, but God is playing a joke on me. It's all too late for me now. I believe in next life and hope I can die soon and come back with new fresh and proper gender, since this life has been ruined.